Bing attacked me so violently with this one, this is exactly how I’m feeling right now except with basically no food, no hope, no future and basically everything is totally fucked. I also don’t drink any more, that is socialising and I haven’t been able to afford to do that since March.
The interviews for this job were going great, everything was super positive, and then after going through a marathon set of 30 minute interviews the feedback didn’t gel and in some cases didn’t really make a lot of sense. More so that we were even discussing start dates and how the transition would work, it was really really weird and a massive hit to my self worth (spoiler : I have none).
The feedback was basically on the lines of fit well in the company, would be a great consultant (freelancer) in the future (not now, not soon), but we can’t see him managing a team (I have more than 10 years experience managing small to large teams thank you) because of one misintrepreted response to a question with no follow up and some vague stuff. “Positive but not the news I wanted to give”.
Indeed it wasn’t the news I wanted to hear either after I spent weeks on this one and probably fucked myself over by not following other leads that weren’t as interesting as this opportunity was.
Now I’m well and truely back in the fucked with no hope or escape zone, I’m terrified on how I’m going to make it through the winter because I have zero leeway to have heating as I’m already struggling to afford to have the hot water heater on. I guess the only positive here is that our climate is so fucked it’s still 20° in to November.
I have my call with the Pôle Emploi next Tuesday after a year of being unemployed and constantly rejected. I don’t know how much more I can take of this lifestyle of just terror at the next letter or the next bill being forced out of my bank account, not being able to make the rent, losing something else because I can’t pay the bill, just loss, non stop.
Can’t even have nice things, I can barely afford to have things to eat and even still I’m now just playing meal roulette with the food waste apps.
I have no idea what to do, all the power I have right now is sit in the dark watching YouTube videos begging on the internet and sending yet another job application to be rejected or ignored while the planet burns and ignites in to war while rich fucks keep on getting richer.