I’m sure that you’ve figured out that right now things are a bit difficult and of course the great part about this is that not only do the physical contraints hold you down, but of course every feel ever comes at you.
Right now, I’m living in 24-7 anger and I’m not going to apologise for this, I have every right to be angry. Angry at the people responsible, angry for what they did, angry at a system that has exploited my generation so badly we’re just waiting for society to collapse to at least gain the possibility of home ownership.
Of course this state of mind does things to you, I snap at people, I spark off, push people away, deflect it inwards, and quite frankly any kind of reason is gone. I don’t have the luxury of being in sound mind trying to make it day by day.
I’m angry my only real source of escape was taken away from me because some software pricks wanted to make more money on a new release so my game won’t run without a high grade gaming PC.
I’m angry of having to explain myself to people, I’m angry that I fire all canons when they try to offer up some advice I’ve heard many times before that just isn’t an option available to me.
I’m angry I’ve invested all this work in for nothing, I’m angry that the one time in my life I tell myself I deserve to be somewhere nice and not in a 9m2 box I now risk losing it.
I’m angry that every month, my self-expression outlet gets ripped away from me.
I’m angry that for once in my life I almost got to the point that I could love myself enough to open up to loving somebody else, now I’m back to square one trying to exist, not even survive.
I could go on for actual days listing all the reasons, they just don’t stop, they swirl around in my head, I stay awake for days at a time .
Sometimes though, I get a respite from the anger or I disassociate out in to a film. Then of course because the head space is out there I get everything else, I mean it is nice to feel something else for once but yeah could do without some of it. I do get some wild dreams man.
I unleashed some of it in to the void earlier today, but of course things were a lot more complicated, as life is.
Way back in the day, when things weren’t really great I wrote to my LiveJournal, I’m not going to link the post, but it is still here in the database and floating in the fediverse. It was when I really struggled, I met a guy who changed my life for the better but also absolutely crushed me (which he doesn’t know to this day). The greatest ironies eh?
I got an AI to anonymise his photo, but when I looked at this one it was something in there of him, and gave me a good feeling, so ain’t just going to flash him out there but I dunno you might see something too.
When I first met him, it was outside class after I transferred from a shop course because honestly I can’t use a hammer for shit. It wasn’t a sexual thing either, yeah I’m going to put it out there he was fit and actually very much still is, but the way he carried himself, acted around me, and spoke to me, really was a huge emotional hit and I knew I had to get to know him.
He was not really in my league, I was more associated (perhaps disassociated is more accurate) with not making an effort in school, the bad kids, and the weirdos. Where as he was very much a man with a plan, did well, and generally a much better person than I had ever been.
So I changed, I changed to get his attention, I changed to be the kind of person he’d want to be friends with, but honestly after I was. It didn’t matter to him, he saw through all of that and a bit deeper and really just accepted me for who I was. Obviously, I was in love, he was the first guy, nay, human, I ever had these kind of feelings for. I just wanted him to be happy.
Of course, because my life is a tale of one failure after another, you can probably guess he is straight. I never had any reservations about who I was, I am gay, I knew that for a very long time at that point, I also knew how to hide that because the 90s sucked and I didn’t want to lose him from my life the only reason I got out of bed every day.
Whether or not he ever had an idea that I was madly in love with him, is a topic I never approached and I never will (unless he ever finds this blog, in that case I’m sorry about this being the way you find out but I hope you understand my reasons). But, he was the first person I told I was gay and it took me a year to get to that point, I was scared he’d want nothing to do with me and that would have hurt more than anything in the world.
I wrote a big email to him, I got some advice from a TV show back in the day, one of the first few queer focused advice programmes on how to do it. I took that advice, although they did say I should probably give him the heads up I had the feels, which I didn’t.
He came back positively, I still had my friend, I still had the man who made me feel that I deserve to be on this planet, that I was good enough. But it hurt, it hurt that I’d never be the person who would be more than just a friend in his life.
That was the downfall in the end, things happened and I got moved in to a city two hours away and I became more distant, intentionally, it was better that his life didn’t have me in it is what I said to myself and to this day I still regret that and I have no idea how three countries later I can fix that. But I keep an eye out for him. Watching from the distance in a not so creepy way, it makes me happy that he is happy and seems settled. That is honestly all I ever wanted for him, the kind of good he deserved.
Anyways, backstory be done, when I am in a really bad place, he suddenly shows up in my dreams and last nights was a bit weird, yeah, but the boyfriend was him. I woke up immediately after and felt good before the reality of the day hit (thanks for rejecting me 10 times in 5 minutes Carrefour).
This is the kind of turmoil I’m sat in right now, where my brain is throwing everything at me and I don’t have anybody to express this to in a good way, so I slap it on the blog and at least my words were formed somewhere.
Just like I did back in 2003.
Right now things are hopeless, I’m backed in to so many corners, I don’t know when I’ll get out of it, but it’ll happen. Until then all I can do is ride it out and think what the man who I still dearly love and would do anything for a single kiss from would do or say, even though I’ve been out of his life for so long.
No matter how bad it is, he gives me hope and some kind of happiness. It just takes a bit of time to shine through and happens at the weirdest times in the weirdest ways.